Episode 18

Accumulation and Continuity

February 5

After so many series of defeats, you reach a point where the idea of victory becomes an alien concept. At this point, you are jaded. A few failed attempts later, it becomes unfathomable altogether, an impossible ideal attainable only by those specially predestined by fate. At this point, you are broken. You stop taking risks, calculating them as unjustified giving the lack of probability of payback. You stop making outward attempts at righting the wrongs done unto you, predicting the outcome of such endeavors by comparing them to past failures.

The breaking point is not the end of the downward spiral. If passivity continues to compound, you will stop making attempts at even defending yourself when your existence has been challenged (be it physically, mentally, or emotionally) You simply allow yourself to be bested, existing only as the external world sees fit.

At this point, not only has your spirit been broken, but your soul has been enslaved.

I was jaded a long time ago. I’m not sure how recently I was broken, but I’m fairly certain it happened. If I do not allow myself more meditation I will surely fall farther.

I can feel my spirit bottling up within, shrinking down into the depths, and yet…growing stronger somehow. I’m not sure what kind of outlet it wants, but if I can find it I think everything will turn out okay. But I’m so very tired now.

I’m going to be giving blood today. Turns out I don’t know my blood type. Nor do my doctors. Thus my disillusionment towards medical practice continues. Regardless, I figure that if I’m going to be destined to bleed, I might as well do so for a good cause.

Early mornings continue. Fatigue compounding, and multiplying. Black rings under eyes. Missed two classes; was unable to awaken. Comprehension of academics beginning to fall. Grades may follow suit. Time becoming hostile. Time has always been hostile.