Episode 19

I’ve lost too much sleep. I don’t know how much longer I’m going to last like this, and the bitch of it is that I don’t even have that much work yet. But there are other ways to lose sleep, it would seem. I’m lashing out at things that are only there to help me, and being brought to my knees by every misstep. In all likelihood this shall be the final entry, since all reason this interesting little project seems to have been blasted into oblivion, and I lack the energy to lie to myself.

Oh, and happy valentine’s day.

What sleep I do get has begun to turn on me; I’m having nightmares again. I stopped getting them in middle school, and now I can’t catch a wink and a half without images of fear and disappointment flashing into the REM playground.

I’m happy to know that I answered most of the questions I’ve ever had. The secrets aren’t secret anymore, at least not to me, but it would be nice to share them. Oh well.

Why is it so warm now…?

I’m strongly considering just shutting myself in my room and doing all the work I can, burying myself in duty to avoid bittersweet freedom. It seems so tempting, for it would mean liberation if I could master so much in so little time. Conversely though, it would also be spiritual suicide (or perhaps a mercy killing).

I simply do not have the strength to keep on fighting. If that means surrender, then hand me a white flag, because this war is soon coming to its end. My biggest regret is that I never got to be a hero. What boy doesn’t dream of such a chivalrous moment, to be the knight in shining armor, to save the day? I guess chivalry is just a myth after all, and fairy tales deserve the name.

And they lived happily ever after.