Episode 5


October 6

So itís been weeks since I last put one of these together. This inherently betrays my original intentions of brining the journal back to life, if I just leave it in limbo. So why have I? Apathy? No not really. Just stagnation more or less. Everything is being static at the moment, compared to the physical, mental, and emotional roller coaster that was senior year. Iíve had no new emotions pervade me since my last entry, so Iíve had nothing to fuel my fingers except the same old drugs I though I would be cured of by now. I now see that Iíve been hesitant in losing all you peopleís interest if I just rampled on. But Sarah inspired me to not let you people influence how I express myself. So if you donít like it, get real, these days are the affliction of life, and these entries are my pills to cut and swallow at my will.

So here it goes: Iím still lonely.

Yeah, revel in the blunt and inartistic admittance of the understated and obvious. Half of you probably rolled your eyes in a ďwell duhĒ manner. Well Iím actually tired of running around in lyrical circles and doing poetic back-flips at moment. Iím just gonna come out and say it. Iím lonely. There. First dose down the tubes.

So the question remains where do I go from here. Previously in life my solitude has led to weakness, and choices I would later not be proud of. Iíve got to make sure that doesnít happen again. But at the same time I shiver over the idea of passing up good opportunities, even if they compromise a standard. But I canít be dumb. I will learn from my errorsÖ

Of course, this is all wonderfully moot. Maybe Iím just farting around, too accustomed to this scenery to even think about leaving the comfort zone and putting myself in a position to be disappointed. Itís the lack of certainty, and control over results, thatíll always scare me away.

Of course, even if I donít know what happens if I actÖI do know what happens if I donít.

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