Episode 5

Blatant

October 6

So it’s been weeks since I last put one of these together. This inherently betrays my original intentions of brining the journal back to life, if I just leave it in limbo. So why have I? Apathy? No not really. Just stagnation more or less. Everything is being static at the moment, compared to the physical, mental, and emotional roller coaster that was senior year. I’ve had no new emotions pervade me since my last entry, so I’ve had nothing to fuel my fingers except the same old drugs I though I would be cured of by now. I now see that I’ve been hesitant in losing all you people’s interest if I just rampled on. But Sarah inspired me to not let you people influence how I express myself. So if you don’t like it, get real, these days are the affliction of life, and these entries are my pills to cut and swallow at my will.

So here it goes: I’m still lonely.

Yeah, revel in the blunt and inartistic admittance of the understated and obvious. Half of you probably rolled your eyes in a “well duh” manner. Well I’m actually tired of running around in lyrical circles and doing poetic back-flips at moment. I’m just gonna come out and say it. I’m lonely. There. First dose down the tubes.

So the question remains where do I go from here. Previously in life my solitude has led to weakness, and choices I would later not be proud of. I’ve got to make sure that doesn’t happen again. But at the same time I shiver over the idea of passing up good opportunities, even if they compromise a standard. But I can’t be dumb. I will learn from my errors…

Of course, this is all wonderfully moot. Maybe I’m just farting around, too accustomed to this scenery to even think about leaving the comfort zone and putting myself in a position to be disappointed. It’s the lack of certainty, and control over results, that’ll always scare me away.

Of course, even if I don’t know what happens if I act…I do know what happens if I don’t.