Day 10


May 10

Iím starting to get my strength back. Iíve got plenty more exams to deal with and a lot of makeup work to do in the near future, so I donít know how long it will last.

I need to find peace somewhere. But in the dark silence, when everything is asleep, all I can hear is the dull ringing in my ears, and all I can think of is everything that went wrong.

I feel as if Iíve run a full circle. And Iím on the right path to end up just the way I said I would: alone, angry, jealous, and unavenged. At least I can deal with one of them soon (if I can make a plan I can stick to for once). But that may put me on the path of destruction. But who knows, only time will tell. I just wish I didnít feel like everybody is laughing at me again.

There have always been two of us, just like thereís two of all of you. Itís the old id vs. superego war, the evil and the good, the logical and the emotional, the humanity and the hatred. The battle rages on inside each and every one of us just like its raging inside me right now. The fuel for the light side is happiness in times of ease and hope in times of struggle. The fuel for the dark is ambition in times of ease and realism in times of struggle. Now, as I try to face my demons, hope has run dry and all that is left is this moment.

Thatís what is holding me back. I want to be happy again but to me happiness has always been and end and not the means. I need to cleanse this, just flush everything out. I can extinguish this flame and finally stop talking to myself. Iíll be whole again, pure again, no more anger and sorrow and self-pity, just Me. The next best way to put out a candle is to make it burn so hard and so fast that it suffocates itself.

Itís getting darker outside. This is the calm.

Thursday, I only have one exam Thursday. I have to wait. Have patience, soldier.