Day 12

I can’t believe it. Time is almost up. Already I can feel the displacement; my mind is searching for something to worry about, something to stress over, or something to hurt it. But I can’t find anything. Everything is done, it’s all out of my hands and it’s a feeling that I can’t put into words.

Of course there is the usual fear of the future, suppressed as it is. What’s coming next? How am I gonna spend my time? Who am I going to see this coming summer? More importantly, who am I never going to see again?

Now that’s frightening. For somebody who’s been running from people his whole life, I sure am afraid to leave some of them behind. A lot of relations are exactly where they should be, and parting will be bitter but acceptable. A few of them, however, I’m still not ready to let go. I have things that people need to hear. My guess is they’ll all be having some very interesting conversations in the near future. I’ve got to get some gall and say what I need to, before it’s too late. There’s no opportunity left, and I won’t waste my last chance.

My god I have so many ideas flying in and out of my head that I don’t know where to put them all. I’ve been testing and writing and examining up until the last three days of my high school career, and now all the finality, all the resolution, all the conclusiveness of it all has finally come and hit my like a claw hammer to the groin. Is this really the end?

No. Life’s still going to go on. “Nothing changes on new years day.” That’s old U2, before they sucked. And they were right, the environment is going to be different but this is all just another step in our lives, another chapter to turn past to get to the happy ending we all secretly (and fearfully) hope is coming.

For the past few years I always thought that my spirit could not go on while I’m in school. But without school, what will happen to it? Sure there’s college still but we know that’s not the same. It’s a whole New World out there and we’re not gonna have our mommies and teachers dragging us along anymore. We’re going to have to adapt to survive, and that is one thing that I’m sure I can do. I’m flexible, resilient. Wouldn’t have won all those Starcraft games if I weren’t.