Day 3

I’m almost too tired to write in here tonight. I woke up this morning with every intention of faking sick and ended up profusely vomiting before I could get my act together. Spent time at the doctor’s office, per my mom’s demand, where I and got some blood taken. They think I might have allergies now. I returned to sleep and then to Science Olympiad preparation, which has resumed consuming my night as everything we do goes wrong.

I’m tired, mind body and soul. But according to some predefined social institution I’m supposed to get up and keep doing the things that are making me sick. I’ve taken to stoicism as a form of avoiding the worry that has plagued me for so many years. As my recently departed grandmother said, “worry is like a rocking chair; it keeps you busy but gets you nowhere.” So I’ve simply deadened my emotions and taken a purely logical outlook. However this may very well lower my productivity in my schoolwork, as it is by far the least logical or meaningful way to spend time.

During most of the frustrating times in my life I’ve used escapism as a form of assuaging my stress. If the world gets too rough, just run into another one and calm down. However, times like yesterday I wind up breaking down when the magnitude of my troubles prevents any form of escape from accomplishing anything. I can’t even afford to sleep right now. Waste of time.

I want to flip a switch and make it all go away. I’ll solder it to my problems and ground it on my tired mind, and flip it off and sever the contact.