Day 4

Change, in Stasis

April 4-7

What a chaotic period it has been. If I hadnít made such a firm resolution to continue this pet project, I would have abandoned it right about now. But I did. And I plan to stick to it. This should be interesting then. The challenge now lies in remembering everything that has happened in these past days.

Friday and Saturday:
Science Olympiad State tournament did not go well. Sure, I placed 5th in the state in two of my events, but the machine-building endeavors were all in vain. While I sat in the Chem Lab room, I was unaware that my precious devices were dying in a storm of Chance and Misfortune. I could only arrive late, and watch painfully as everything fell apart, just out of my reach, and by no fault of my own. Itís soÖfrustratingÖ The team placed 6th in the state. We shall not proceed to Nationals. My Science Olympiad career has concluded with that lackluster performance.

And somewhere far away, they were dancing.

I slept for hours. My body out of instinct attempted to wake me after five of them. But I resisted. I needed the rest. The past week had been a beating, a brutal physical, emotional, and mental beating. Iíve never been so tired, but now is my time to rest. I awoke to a sunny day, warmth, birds singing. I retreated to the clubhouse at the bottom of the hill. We built it years ago. It will begin rotting soon. I can climb the door and sit on its roof, and so I did. I spent some time there, meditating at the woodsí edge amongst the branches and leaves. And so I sat there, peacefully running circles in your own head. I only remember that somewhere out there I found rhyme in the chaos.

Afterwards, my dad took me off to the countryside to meet a bunch of his friends from work. Once there, I fired my first real firearm. This discounts paintball guns and B.B. rifles; Iím talking real, lead-slinging weapons. Now Iím no gun freak but I must say that Iíve always been somewhat curious. By the end of the day I had fired from a .44 caliber revolver, a 30.30 hunting rifle, a black powder musket, and a 30.06 scoped rifle from which I fired the most accurate shot in the whole bunch. I must be a natural. scary thought there, perhaps you really were built to destroyÖ The day had to end sooner or later, however, and as I left I thought about so many weapons being in the hands of so few country folk and remembered why I like the idea of gun control.

I did not mention the multitudes of homework left for Sunday night. It came back to me in a big way when I tried to motivate myself out of bed with three hours of sleep in my system. Even so, today I felt strangely invincible as I walked out into the cold and the rain. I meandered through my day rather unscathed, thanks partially to selective attendance of classes. Today really began after school ended. I found out today that Cornell and Columbia have both rejected me. Only Boston University and NC State seem willing to allow me into their doors. Naturally, fueled in no small part by my thirst for a new horizon, I have chosen BU, and so Iím gonna have someÖinterestingÖstudent loans to pay off. Elitist school? Why else have a tuition so damn high? HOW can you fit in? Iíll be seeing Massachusetts by fall, returning to my former home. I can only wait.

An old friend returned to me today. Heís tired from being poked and prodded and just wants to be normal again. How interesting, so do you. You can meet him tomorrow if you please, just keep your eyes peeled for an old sapphire wonder.

What the hell happened to me this weekend? So many of my battles have all ended and all in defeat, and I can if nothing else rejoice in the vacuum of crises. Although Iíve made so many changes and so many choices, I remain here, the same life as before. Iím just a fighter to the last, waiting for the next challenge to come along.