Day 9

A New Initiative

May 6

I am tainted. I cannot see the world in quite the right light no matter how clear I am, and clarity is only found in the face of struggle. Iíve tried to change my outlook, and have even found a select few victories in the face of misfortune, but something remainsÖunfulfilled. I canít be sure what it is Iím waiting for but I have a sinking feeling its something youíve felt before.

Thereís a storm brewing and Iím not sure if I can stop it or want to. Iíve become so much stronger now, riding on the wings of this anger. Now Iím at a new peak of fortitude but my health is faltering. According to Keithism this would signify a fault in my soul somewhere which craves power but is inherently hostile.

I canít keep blaming my spirits on my surroundings and my recent brushes with Chance. I have defined myself through my struggles. However, this year my struggles have gotten the better of me and now Iím left standing in self-pity. If I erase all that I have to be angry at and just have to look at myself, I find myself lacking.

Something is holding me back. You know what it is. Yeah, I know, but Iíve been in denial. I hoped I could forget it but I canít. Iíve tried to forgive it but it was only a temporary fix. I need a real victory here, to both satisfy this past AND make this year worthwhile.

Iím going back to the real Keith. Iíve been moping about for months for lack of a real mission to commit to, but no more. Now itís back to the fighting problem solver; see problem, make a plan and fix it. Iím wrapping my mind around the old thoughts and dreams that Iíve been fabricating for years. Iíll get back to myself and breath the air of decisiveness.

The storm is gathering.