Things to do in the Dining Halls
-Keith Morse

1. Be very defensive of your napkin holster.
2. Pour hot sauce into the ketchup bottles
3. Try to sneak silverware IN.
4. Eat food in very wrong ways.  Salad with a spoon, soup with your knife, pie with your cup, etc.
5. Use breadsticks to put on drum performances
6. Make unusual omelet requests.  Use your imagination.
7. Stay in the dining hall all day.   Taunt the powers that be, eating three balanced meals on one meal point.
8. Stand up on a chair and give a loud, rousing speech.  Include references to the inalienable rights to marinara sauce and lemon meringue pie.
9. Bring a drink mixer to the café.  Make interesting fruit cocktails at the juice dispensers.
10. Bring a gallon jug and fill it with Slice.
11. Spoon.  Nose.  You know where I'm going with this.  Works best if an entire table joins in.
12. Write thank-you notes and place them on the garbage conveyors.
13. Bring a bagged lunch, just to confuse people.
14. Use soup for your salad dressing.
15. Use pudding for your salad dressing.
16. Use Slice for...you get the idea.
17. Drop a fake plastic finger into the soup ladle.
18. Carve strange shapes out of the loaves of bread.
19. Play William Tell, using apples and silverware.
20. Bring a candelabra, and a little vase of flowers.  Go on, make an evening out of it.
21. While you're at it, dress up for your dining hall outings.
22. Grab a bunch of spoons.  Place them all in pudding cups or near ready-made ice cream servings.
23. Scream "TURKEY BURGERS!"  really loud.  You'd be surprised how funny it sounds.
24. Demand a spork.
25. Bring a cereal box in.  Use it to hoard more Cocoa Puffs.
26. When people are away from their tables, leave brownies on their plates.  Observe their reactions when they return.
27. Encourage socialization and economics in your local dining hall.  Move all the salt shakers to one side of the hall, pepper to the other.
28. Try to find out how many different kinds of cheese you can get in one meal.
29. Bring a stack of menus.  After you get in, stand at the entrance and offer to "seat" people.
30. Arrive in a group.  Have everybody go up and, one by one, make a plate full of croutons.  Sit and eat them in silence.  When finished, get up and leave in a procession.  Chanting is optional.